i've gotten cold

the prostitute is shy. she knows i like her, turns her head, sez hi. love is useless. too bad you can live w/out it.
i always stumble when i try to say something, You sed i sdn't generalize. i heard misha cry, poor so lonely, and felt sorry for him. o ed go Thor, when Thor was beating him up. Thor sez: NO MORE ROOM! ok babyhead, i give you wub. that's why i was smiling at the cute chicana. wearing short shorts, spit curls glued down w/ greasy kid stuff. decided i shdn't even ask her (Tarin that is) how she wd. feel if fell in love w/ someone else right now.

[editor's note: i don't remember a hot chicana in short shorts]

These things happened to me

These things happened to me. finally i believed in what i was experiencing i: came in. They hurt me very bad. (I shd say They hurt You. You are Me.)
Lonley. i say "i want… " you say i can't have.
what does tarin give me? love?
love doesn't mean anything does it? so tiny. an essential nutrient eventually you die w/out it. for a while i was ok cuz i knew the little dog loved me. see? just a little bit. My Imaginary Sister Tracy Lyall wd say say she loved me which didn't mean a lot to me. Once - here in SF - she sed she felt bad that she didn't do more to find me a a girlfren. i think you were my secret by then…

Love is meaningless
and useless
That's the best thing
about it.

as if our friendship
weren't already ruined

the dryer is broken in an interesting way. the timer keeps ADDING time.
when i looked at the orishas cards they spoke of betrayal and broken love.
i put them away.

i don't love you like i want to be in love w/ you. when we make love i start to feel in response to how you feel. i get caught up. i add up all the things: you take care of me enough - i'm encouraged to take care of myself. i like you lots, and admire yr talent enormously. you can do a lot of everythings. can we take over the world? can you write a runawy best seller? those depend on Them and whether They love us. (or you.)
(the world resists being taken over)
i was sad that you weren't w/ me, and didn'y understand the frangible mincy, or jennifer (a verb - i didn't say that one out loud) or any other of the acid words. i wanted to go to a nice place together, and all we cdn't.

saying g'bye makes the Promulgator sad

saying g'bye always makes me sad. letting go of something --- smacking yr butt: you don't like it: no. you say it's not fun. mebbe during sex… mostly i wanna smack your ass as a punishment or as a gesture of joie de vivre. you say no. not fun for you.

[slice of life, indicating something worth interjecting here]

at the Londromat (with a line over the second 'o') lotsa cute chicanas doing laundry. children. a guy, bored/not bored waiting: nice eyes. i don't feel well, i went into bed and hid a while. (the guy w/ nice eyes is smooshing a little girl, laughing and struggling --- he's smacking her thighs --- it's kinda eroticized. They are having fun.)
(they go by now)

Uncle Matty once askt the Magic 8 Ball™ if he wd ever have super powers. i don't remember the answer - "Better not tell you now"? They don't want to return to Earth until they can have POWER.

you say that if i'm not happy w/ Tarin the way she is, i shd just find another girlfren. i hate it when you* say that asides from the difficulties finding a friend and lover, asides from i want you asides from feeling like you are the one who was sent to me… when you say that i feel like all the burden of changing is on me, that Tarin does not change for my sake. none of it is worth fighting over, struggling to remember to be nice to tarin, she doesn't like it. i keep having to surrender, i want…

you askt if when i was w/ all my lovers if i was trying to not be touched.
mebbe.
i sed i was empty, how afraid i am. sometimes i feel as if my life is over.












*you - sorta like They

Promulgator, a post-humous love letter

Dear Tarin,
this page is an exception.READ THIS PAGE. you are a big dummy head.

I love you. i'm not in love w/ you

i love you. i'm not in love w/ you. is that ok? you make me happy, i think you're what i need.

there's no such thing as love. love isn't even a concept. i say "i love you" and really mean it. it's so tiny and fragile. it's easy to love my enemies, they don't know how much i mean it when i tell them 'i love you.'
i love you. you get to ge Me
oh yeah, me is a girl.
this, kenne®,that i wear, that elizabeth and bana tamed. kenne is a good dog. i am the cat. BAAL. the second god that comes first.

(until god comes
she cannot c)

dear Tarin [being the chapter in which the promulgator evinces jealousy toward mike kyle]

dear Tarin,
what if m. kyle makes a move on you. i think you shd be the number girl on Team Clam. The Innermost Circle Girls Auxilary - the Home Team,

bakersfield. an initiation of sorts. b23. special rules. don't talk about cocksucking in front of the retard, they might get upset.

you know what an idiot i am. (questions as: statements of fact.) nothing has a structure,

i found the
BART ticket.

The Promulgator ate pho

broke but sorta happy eat pho. tarin declares later than the composition of this book that she does not like pho, nor any noodle. saturday mebbe y'll come to see Beavis And Butthead. drifted in and out of sleep all afternoon.
tarin! worries about $. 'i now understand my mother.' in my mind, everything is for play.i buy food i can play w/. food that is fun. tarin loses pens. scares them. i have the hots for Chelsea. Clinton.

Dear Tarin, we went to the place we are as gods.

we went to the place we are as gods. outside for a Moment (which lasts forever). Me decides to commit herself to Earth. 'it cd. be so beautifull.' 'it is beautifull.'

turn back! it's e… !
You visit here, a green gazebo
i hear the roar of traffic. it cd. be ocean. there's monsters. Too huge to eat us, except accidentally


find the magick sword.
learn how to use it and it's command: FLY!

but don't lose earth.
if you go out far enuf it's hard to find your way back. it helps to find a roa. we were lost in the forest.

Promulgator, a post-humous love letter, part 1

i love you. i'm not in love w/ you. is that ok? there's no such thing as love. love isn't even a concept. i say "i love you" and really mean it. it's so tiny and fragile. it's so tiny and fragile. it's easy to love my enemies, they don't know how much i mean it when i tell them 'i love you.'
i love you. you get to be Me.
oh yeah, me is a girl.
this, kenne®, that i wear, that elizabeth and bana tamed. kenne is a good dog. i am the cat.

BAAL. the second god that comes first.

(until god comes
she cannot c)

[elided numerology i don't have the orthography for]


we took the boy out. ouch. he planted bombs all the way in. the boy was on the TEAM that took him out. the Way is goodbye. say 'bye to Earth forever, this Earth is different. he accepts the love of a girl who loves him the right way. it's right when you can fuck your friends. who R always More. Sssssss. . .
(the WAR. on the MººN)
Lunatics on future keep a hidden base on Earth. rogue Time Beings. Nothing; but made out of time.

concruent sez: they built a simulacrum of the City, it's full of anachronisms

summer of love and rave happening on opposite ends of Haight St. its non∈ nonA
b

Promulgator, a post-humous love letter

a nexuslike beginning: before the beginning. when you tell it to children You chant:

we were all there in the very small room where we were all tumbled together: like kittens in a box.

You remember before that: running like crazy to get there on timer: before the doors lockt themselves - sez here 'forever.'

They had promised that everyone i loved wd. be there. Only You was [sic] there and You were mad at me. everyone else, ohmygod, Frank and Hentry are there. They don't seem to recognize me.

afterwards You fell in w/ me, and i didn't know. [editor: do i mean 'fall in love w/ me?']

Remember: I am You.
you are Me.

letter to Tarin, cont. aka 'Promulgator'

You $ are a drug. You are Me. i am You. you are Me. the drug is Slow Acting Miracle.

Tarin; sneaking up behind You, tapping your shoulder
turn --- who's there?
nobody's home. the thing about becoming real is that it hurts. an infinite shout of pain.

'It's ok!'

there's this imaginary girl i fell in love w/.

she lives on another planet and the inhabitants of her world hold me in high esteem for the psychick novel i broadcast in 1994. Called Psuffering Mskes You Psychick, But Was It Worth It? may portrayal of conditions on Earth motivated their post-industrial civilization to build a fleet of starfleets to rescue the remnant of the old biota for whom the new biota has rendered Earth uninhabitable. just before breaking off communication she askt if i cd wait a hundred years. after a few years i began to doubt that i cd wait a hundred years. [to Tarin]: I'm surprised that who i askt for turned out to be you. as i askt for. that gift takes me by surprise even tho i know what is inside.

the next part i want is inside. the next part i want is for someone to grow old w/. i know already that i will always love you. don't let me take that for granted. 'i love you'. 'i wub you.' 'i Rub you'.

the love of a good woman has saved many a man.

nancy saved bucky: look what good it's done her. not that that is the point: Superman comes to the rescue because he can, and cannot stand to hear them cry.

catherine refused to rescue me knowing it wdn't help and i wd resent her. that's a kind of love. i tried to leave her cuz i knew i wd hurt her. which hurt her, of course, of course.

dear Tarin

elvis came today. you missed it. you sed "Have you ever known me to be on time?" of course you didn't know,elvis. he was w/ Uncle Matty. they were gonna be to the Albion, but Mateo was 86'd for being under age. i think they went to the chameleon, beer and pool.

yesterday i found a broken piece [] black stone. tiny rhinestones. ooh, i'll give it to Phil.

it made him happy.

today phil sed something about tarin and kenne being an ITEM. [sic] he seemed plsd about it.

This book is my secret art project. Stop Reading Now. when i am inside you it is like finding my way back to earth. there are some places i wd like to go. the House By The Sea, w/ jesus and the boy, the girls playing 12sies in the kitchen. oh teh shreiking, bloody or something worse. the kitties. can we swim where the dolphins swim?


["You shd. be carefull. he doesn't know who he is."]

1. If water is clear why is the wet end of a towel darker?

circle back to You, around you 'the boy' is a boy. 'i'm just being a kid.' "Are you going to crave nuts and raisins forever?" m… chocolate.

Promulgator

[the portions of this book written in red ink have not survived the period this book lived in my pocket. red ink is also invisible during a poetry reading for the most part. bu. a secret message meant for you.]

author's note: this is the break-up notebook i composed as a letter to Tarin, at times, attempting to write from Tarin's p.o.v.. if Tarin is annoyed that i post this i guess fuck you in advance, otherwise, i hope you like this Tarin, and every other woman i have broken up w/ or in some way broken your heart. i don't try to paint myself the hero.